Understanding the Subtle Biases in Our “Tolerance” for LGBTQ+ People
In a meeting recently, I caught myself saying, “I am not gay but I am comfortable with LGBTQ+ people,” and even more troubling, I was proud of it. The statement seemed harmless—progressive, even. But as the words echoed in my mind after the meeting, I realized the inherent bias lurking behind them. This is close to the mindset of a white person proudly proclaiming their comfort with Black friends. It’s a patronizing form of self-congratulation that underscores how deeply societal biases have corrupted our understanding of inclusion and equality.
Tolerance, at its core, implies the endurance of something unpleasant or abnormal. When we say, “I tolerate LGBTQ+ people,” it subtly positions them as “other,” as something outside the norm that requires an effort to accept. This mindset places the so-called tolerant person on a pedestal, as though simply allowing someone to exist in their fullness is an act of virtue.
But LGBTQ+ individuals, like anyone else, aren’t seeking tolerance; they are seeking equality, respect, and the freedom to live authentically without prejudice. Tolerance is the bare minimum—a stepping stone, perhaps, but far from the destination.
Why We Brag About Inclusivity
When I caught myself bragging about my “tolerance,” I realized it wasn’t really about LGBTQ+ people—it was about me. It was about signaling my open-mindedness and progressiveness. In many societies, there’s a pressure to demonstrate allyship, but often this allyship is performative. By bragging about being comfortable with LGBTQ+ people, I wasn’t challenging systemic biases or creating real change; I was merely polishing my self-image.
This behavior stems from deep-seated social conditioning. Many of us were raised in environments where certain groups were stigmatized. When we grow and begin to question these prejudices, we feel a need to mark our progress. But in doing so, we may unintentionally perpetuate the very hierarchies we claim to dismantle.
Moving from Tolerance to Allyship
True allyship goes beyond tolerating or even feeling comfortable with LGBTQ+ people. I got to realize that it is not about me. Therefore au true allyship involves:
- Unlearning Biases: Acknowledge that we’ve been shaped by a world full with stereotypes and discrimination. It’s uncomfortable, but necessary, to confront our biases.
- Normalizing Diversity: Instead of making LGBTQ+ identities a focal point of discussion, one should be able to just the human diversity. Stop othering; start normalizing.
- Listening and Learning: Allyship means listening to LGBTQ+ voices without centering ourselves in their narratives. It’s not about what makes us feel good but about understanding their realities and acting in solidarity.
- Advocating for Change: Use your privilege to challenge discriminatory systems and behaviors. Speak out against injustices and support policies that promote equity.
- Holding Ourselves Accountable: Recognize that growth is a continuous process. We will make mistakes, but we must be willing to learn and improve without defensiveness.
A Paradigm Shift
The goal is to move beyond “tolerance” to a place where LGBTQ+ identities are seen as inherently valid, unremarkable, and not something that requires special acknowledgment. True inclusion isn’t about how comfortable we are with someone else’s existence; it’s about creating a world where everyone feels comfortable being themselves.
As I reflect on my own words, I understand that the work begins within. Allyship isn’t about being proud of how tolerant we are; it’s about dismantling the systems of thought that make such proclamations necessary in the first place. Only then can we truly build a society rooted in equality and respect for all.
COMMENTS